Fake Positivity

A good friend told me last night that he always thought my positivity was a bullshit cover up for my anger and cynicism but, as of the last couple months, he now believes me. haha this is the honest feedback you get when you put yourself on blast. And he's pretty right. I told myself and everyone around me that I was going to be peaceful, grateful and generous while I learned to make it real.

Fake it 'til you make it.

There is no bad positivity, even fake positivity improves yourself and the world around you. Put that smile on this week no matter how you feel inside and it'll lead you towards the light.



Better at seeing beauty.

For the past two weeks I’ve been abstaining from and avoiding all pornographic, hyper-sexualized, and photoshopped photos and videos of women. Despite the increased internet presence you’ve been seeing from me these days, I’m always practicing being more satisfied and engaged with my immediate reality. Lately I’m finding success in removing all forms of addiction, which we turn to to avoid reality. I wouldn’t call this lady content an addiction for me seeing as I quit cold turkey with zero slip ups or temptation but it took quitting to see the effect even low doses has had on me.


Cultural ideals of good looks were never important to me for myself or my partners. It was a vibe thing. After nearly a decade of exclusive relationships (that ended over two years ago now), I wanted to try something different. I wanted to date women “hotter” than I’d ever been with. At the time I became single again I achieved an increase in fitness (semi-accidentally I might add- I’ve worked out 6 days a week and adjusted my diet for 12 years, I was going to get good at it eventually. learning to breathe deep was actually the tipping point). I started giving half of a shit about getting hair cuts and dressing semi-respectably for the first time, and genuinely dove deep into self-discovery that increased my confidence. I’ve been seen with higher value the last year and a half. 


Here’s what I’ve learned about “hot” through the above experiences. First of all, "hot” is more of a life choice than anything. There are absolutely those among us that are effortlessly closer to our cultural idea of hot than others. I’m not denying that. But that woman on the TV and internet in a lot of cases probably isn’t that aggressively exciting in her natural form. She’s just invested resources in being really good at makeup and hair or having professionals do that work. She keeps a strict diet and exercise routine, spends a lot of money on clothes and makes sure to only be shown in photo and video in her best lighting and angles. Not to mention computer enhancement. That look is obtainable to a huge portion of women, much larger than we acknowledge. If you want to put that work in everyday, then do it and rock it. If you don’t, then do a more natural look and rock it. For guys, being hot is about an attitude that says you have strength, wisdom and humor to offer while not looking like a 6 year old that dressed himself (I messed all that up but the humor portion for a long time). The bar is much lower for men. Yes, there are naturally stunning men and those that put in a lot of work to look great like women, but women naturally assess a man’s value more deeply. 


This may actually be no news at all to you ladies, but us guys don’t know this stuff until we’ve spent enough time around enough “hot” women. This is where it connects back to the beginning about abstaining from and avoiding all pornographic, hyper-sexualized, and photoshopped photos and videos of women. I was surely on the lower end of the spectrum of men consuming this content and just two weeks being away from it has been astonishing. I see so much beauty in “regular” women. I’m much more open to women not my “type” and I'm much more attuned to vibes again. Engaging with femininity is a basic human need for men and seeing sexual images of women tricks our brains into either thinking it is getting some form of that femininity or makes real women seem less appealing. Or both. And they both lead to dissatisfaction. 



A Prediction

Prediction: I believe that in my lifetime we will see the economy shift from people willing to trade their time to do a task for money to the majority of people doing what they love. Everyone will be an artist. There will still be janitors, McDonald’s employees, etc. everyone won’t be an “artist” in the common sense of the word. But people in those types of positions will be people that love serving others and take pride in being the best at what they do, not begrudgingly doing it to survive. That’s art to me. It won’t be radically different, we’ll just as a society promote and support people finding positions that are fulfilling for them instead of pushing them to be cogs in the machine.

I’m betting everything on that world becoming a reality.



If you struggle with depression please let me share with you an update on my story:

I haven’t been depressed or anxious in two full months. I was on the verge of a nervous freak out yesterday before doing my taxes, but I recovered quickly. That’s what made me want to talk about it - if I can walk away cheerful from tax day, I’m truly onto something. That and I’ve been noticing the past few weeks how sharp my brain is!

I didn’t know what it was at first but I’ve decided that it must be brainpower that I’ve gained back from not wasting energy on worry and paranoia. I’ve never been more sharp, focused, observant, creative. I’ve never been less addicted and compulsive and I’m dropping several bad habits at once with ease.

I’m smart! I got good grades in school and people have told me I’m smart before, but knowing all the distraction inside my head kept me from ever feeling that way. A head full of blockage. Now I’m not some Elon Musk type over here, but lately I recognize intelligent thought in my brain that’s got room to thrive. I’m excited to see where how it grows as I continue this streak.

Depression is poison to your brain, life and the world around you. If you deal with this, please seek help. We need the ideas in your mind to flourish and be shared. We need you spreading positive energy. I’m not an expert or a professional but feel free to message me if you want suggestions on what’s working for me. I’ve been actively waging the war to reclaim my mind for 12 years and I’m finally winning a majority of the battles. I forced myself to learn from scratch instead of using resources that are out there. You could get ahead of this much faster! If you’re in an especially dark place please communicate with your family and get professional help. Let’s all beat this together!



Peace in Discomfort

I’m feeling pretty great about life these days. Not for the stereotypical reasons our culture tells us we should be happy. I’m not currently what society would call living a “stable” or “successful” life. I’ve actually been much more those things in the past with lower results in happiness.

Why do I feel so good? I was thinking about it today. I decided it’s a balance of two ingredients: peace and discomfort. They seem mutually exclusive but in what I’m experiencing, they feed each other. I’ve spent a lot of the past too far in either direction. Too much discomfort, is a life of pain. Too much peace is also dangerous as it creates a (temporary) contentment that has made me lazy before. 

The balance comes from learning that discomfort is the spark of growth. Growing brings me peace, even if the catalyst of that growth is painful. I also have daily practices in place (see this previous post) that keep me peaceful and stress-free despite spending plenty of time outside of my comfort zone. I’m working to spend more time uncomfortable. That’s where the growth is. Therefore, that’s where the peace is. Peace in doing a good job, peace in progress. Peace in process (see my post "Love The Process" ). 



I Recoiled.

I call it "The Recoil." It's a form of self-doubt. Instead of the crippling doubt that keeps you from starting, it's the doubt that shows up to mess with you when you've been doing the thing. You've been putting in the work, pushing through fear and discomfort, staying consistent and believing in the mission for weeks without incident.

But one day you question yourself. Sometimes so severely that it threatens to halt everything you've been working towards. You want to quit. Last week I recoiled over my social media presence. In a commitment to put myself out there I've been ramping up my amount of daily social content. It's been going well. But last week the doubt hit me hard. I scaled back to bare minimum content. Last Tuesday's blog post was short, I didn't want to do it. My new vlog series which started out at an every other day frequency came to an almost complete halt last week. I haven't committed to a release schedule yet for my vlogs like I have for this blog, so I copped out since I haven't obligated myself. 

It's a new week and I'm back. I let doubt get the best of me,  BUT I did one thing that was the saving grace during this slip up - I didn't stop creating the content. I did slow my role on releasing it, but I still shot vlog footage. I still wrote songs daily. Now that I've recovered from vulnerability overload, I've got the content ready to resume at full tilt. This is my suggestion to you when you experience The Recoil (which I think we all will when putting ourselves out there) - keep doing the work. Give yourself a few days to recover from the wear and tear of building an audience but keep the work coming.  

May your next recoil be brief!



Be a beginner.

As we grow in experience and skill, being a novice becomes a distant memory. We've been doing what we do so long we don't even remember what life was like before. 

Recent experience suggests - relearn what it is to be a beginner. Try new things, gain new experiences from the perspective of the struggling learner. Even more importantly, reinvent your core strengths by adding new dimensions to them. It all starts with the uncomfortable. 



Lifestyle Design

I've already had and lost everything I'd ever wanted (I had small aspirations). When I faced the empty space that was my life, for once I saw the potential. The emptiness was limitless but that meant there was limitless room to occupy it with whatever I liked. I began to see my life up to that point had been assembled through happenstance, not design.

Tim Ferriss coined the term "lifestyle design" in his best-selling book "The 4-Hour Workweek." Such a simple idea, yet a life-changing concept. We live in such freedom and abundance that it's a shame many of us don't use it to design our own lives. Yes we may get the job, house, spouse of our dreams but how many of us are spending the majority of our time exactly how we'd like? We should decide how we want to spend our days and build a life around that. How many of us get a job that wasn't even our first choice then build our life around that?

For the past year I've been discovering my design for the perfect day. In 2017, I'm restructuring my life around that. I've got nothing to lose. I understand if the stakes are dug in deeper in your life. Whoever you are and what your situation is, I hope you'll take some time to at least fantasize about how you would design your life if you could do whatever you wanted with it. You may find some of your ideas are more achievable than you'd expect.

Design your life! I'll keep you updated on how my design is playing out.  



The Shortcut to Originality (Forgetting the pursuit of originality.)

I've always been obsessed with being an original. That obsession often leaves one too far on the fringes. We can only deviate from the norm so far before we're out of touch. Originality is great. Originality is rewarded. What I've found in my pursuit of it is that, like many things, the more you chase it the further from it you tend to get. I've come to find the most direct path towards originality is to take another path altogether. 

Authenticity. Forget the pursuit of originality altogether and embrace what's true to yourself. This may be the ultimate shortcut to originality. Even the world's biggest conformist is a one-off. None of us are the same, even those of us that try to hide their uniqueness in exchange for a warm spot around the campfire in society's comfort zone. If you explore what is authentic to you and express it vulnerably, you automatically set yourself apart and do so naturally. 



The Fourth Day: Getting back on the wagon.

The sequel to my previous post The Third Day

In the past couple weeks I've messed up with my productivity level and my diet. I've still accomplished a lot but not to my typical level and not on par with the size of my goals. I've still worked out everyday but my diet has been a shit show. 

I fell off.

We all do sometimes. And it's time for me to get back on.

Maybe there are some super humans and robots out there, but I think most of us slip up. On our diets, our work, our addictions. . . How do we get back with the program? I've fallen off the wagon plenty of times, but I never make a life out of it, I always come back. Here are some ideas on getting back on when you've messed up your goals.

-Don't mess up more than 2 days in a row. Day One is mistake, Day Two is a problem, Day Three is a lifestyle.

-Don't beat yourself up. You don't want to be so soft on yourself that you have no self discipline, but you also don't want to be so hard on yourself that you're mentally tortured. Be tough on yourself but acknowledge that you're human and have compassion for inevitable mistakes.

-Have a buddy that can encourage you to do better. Possibly also someone that can administer a healthy level of tough love.

-Remember why you started pursuing your goal in the first place. Visualize what got you started and visualize what it will be like to achieve your goal.

-Recognize the cravings that try to pull you further and further from your goal. They get intensified when you slip up, remind yourself of that and prepare to face their heightened levels. 

-If you're trying to stop a bad habit, replace it with a better one. You can redirect that habit into something more aligned with your goals. 

Don't let weeks, months or years pass not going for the goal because you've made a mistake. Hopefully you've found something here that will help you get back up faster next time you fall.



The Dip

Author Seth Godin is one of my favorite sources of inspiration. I highly recommend any of his books. Seth's book on my mind currently is "The Dip." This is one of his shortest and simplest offerings, but the concept is essential. 

As illustrated, the dip the part of any journey when you've lost the initial traction of being a beginner and your efforts are stretched thinner. Another great author, Brene Brown, calls this "the dark middle" and adds that the middle or the dip is the point of no return. The point where you can quit but you can never go back to who and where you were before you stepped into the darkness. It's a scary place to be.

What is Seth Godin's advice on the dip? First he recommends being aware enough to recognize if you're in a dip or a culdesac. A culdesac doesn't have the rise at the end, it's a perpetual state of rising effort with diminishing returns. If you can identify that you're in a culdesac, Seth recommends quitting that course of action no matter how much you've previously invested in it. 

If you are certain that you are in fact facing a dip, Seth suggests two paths. 

1. Quit. 

Why could quitting be the right answer? Overcoming the dip is such a difficult period of undetermined length that you must have true desire for what lies on the other side.

2. Persevere

If you for sure want what is on the other side of the dip, then Seth Godin's "The Dip" is a reminder to keep running even though you have no idea how far away the finish line is. Seth wants to remind you to "never quit something with long-term potential just because you can't deal with the stress of the moment."

If you're like me, riding the dip, I wish you the best of luck and hope Seth Godin's simple concept will help keep you on your path.



It's all bullshit.

"What? You told me this was a positive blog." It is, stick with me. I want to share with you what I think may be a unique perspective on nihilism. Along with my many positive beliefs in life I also believe that life is meaningless. I actually consider that amongst my most positive beliefs.

We are each a grain of sand on an infinite beach. Probably more like a particle 1/1,000,000 of the size of a grain of sand on an infinite beach. Will history miss us? Even those of us that make a significant impact on human history will not be missed for human history has little place in the infinite timeline. We can try and imprint ourselves with Religious meaning or tell ourselves that fame makes us immortal but the truth remains - life is meaningless.

Feeling depressed? Please don't! Here's where I put the positive perspective on it. I do believe that life is meaningless. But here's where the beauty of humanity comes into play. Through some happenstance of the universe or maybe the benevolence of a god, we have reason. With that reason we can ascribe meaning to anything we want. Living an inherently meaningless life with our cognitive powers allows us to create whatever purpose for our lives that we want.

Why create purpose when life is meaningless? Because whether it's all bullshit or not, our consciousness is all we know. Our entire life experience is filtered through it and we walk amongst billions of other humans having the same experience. Regardless of the cosmic insignificance we face, we have each other to face it with. At least I choose to have connection to others as part of my purpose. 

We each have our own unique consciousness that desires unique experiences from life. Let no Earthly consequences hold you back from creating and executing a purpose that brings your consciousness fulfillment. That's the great power each human holds.



Change, a Mindset Shift

I'm becoming more comfortable with dramatic change than I am upholding the status quo of my life. 

Hindsight reveals the beauty and growth in my life are developments of big change (which involves temporary pain and stress) while constant pain and stress have been the result of fighting to hold onto a comfortable norm. We can commit to facing the temporary pains of change or we can commit to the constantly bubbling pain of avoiding change. We face pain either way, we may as well use pain as a vehicle to take us onto our next adventure. 

The Change Manifesto by Adriane de Bonvosin
-change is a good thing
-change is a part of life and happens to everyone
-change is an opportunity for me to grow
-change always means that something good is around the corner
-change brings seeds of new beginnings and different ways of living life
-change brings new people, new opportunities, and new perspectives
-change reminds me that I am not in control of many things that happen and reminds me to let go and surrender a little more to life
-change helps me strengthen my change muscle- my self-reliance, inner fortitude, and inner faith that I can handle anything
-change allows me to learn and understand something new
-change reveals another aspect of my personality
-change is never a punishment; it is always an opportunity to connect with what's inside me
-change allows me to choose how I want to react to something that has happened - by accepting or resisting it
-change helps me find my higher self - the part of me that is always there, that doesn't change. Life's unpredictability becomes inifinitely easier when I connect with that part of myself
-change wants me to acknowledge it, understand it, embrace it, and then integrate it into my life and identity
-change is always  on my side. It exists to serve me, teach lessons and help me embrace life's mysteries




What I've Learned About Compassion From Being Self-Centered

I used to be self-absorbed. Now I'm self-centered. While neither one of those is a perfect state of being, to me one is far and above better than the other. To me they are not synonyms.

I was self-absorbed.

It's not that I didn't care about anyone. I was just of little help to them emotionally or otherwise. I was too absorbed in the amount of energy it took just to get out of bed, make it through the day. Surviving a day in the torture chamber of my own mind was too taxing, I had no currency left to give anyone else. I also had rock bottom levels of self-love. It's difficult to properly express your love to the outside world when there's none inside.

I'm now self-centered.

How is this a better way of life? The shift to self-centeredness fixed the most major flaw of my self-absorption. By focusing on bettering myself, I grew the resources to be of service to others. The more self-centered the more I become equipped to help others. The more I help others, the more I get in return. Serving others is serving yourself. 

My self-centered living also grows my compassion more and more each day. Facing the darkest parts of myself and purposefully exposing myself to discomfort would be impossible without also growing my self-compassion and self-love. By extending myself kindness I become more focused on kindness and compassion for others. I'm trying to give everyone the most generous assumption about their behavior that I can these days. Trying to assume they're doing the best they can right now.

Because I make mistakes. Because I try things that don't work. Because I used to behave in ways I never would now because I was pain. Sadly I believe a lot of us are in pain and that's now often the most generous assumption I can give - "that person much be in a lot of pain to be behaving that way." 

I think the message here need not be long to get across. I believe the message is this - Focus more on truly bettering yourself from the inside out and you'll see you have more to give this world than you ever thought you could.



The Third Day

In Steven Pressfield's legendary work, "The War of Art," he introduced the concept of "The Resistance." As simply defined as possible, The Resistance is self-sabotage, that inner voice that tells you all the reasons why you shouldn't. The Resistance is the part in all of our minds that hates change. We fool ourselves, by living in a technological global society into thinking that we've evolved. We forget we live with a brain that predates the world we live in by thousands of years. Our brains weren't designed for our comfortable modern lifestyle. Our brains were designed to survive and procreate. While you know that a decision will change your life for the better, you fear making the decision because your brain can't stand the idea of your circumstances changing. Your brain doesn't care if you're happy, fulfilled and creative, it cares if what you're doing hasn't killed you yet. If you're reading this blog, you've made choices that have kept you alive this long. Unless you're a ghost with internet access. If you're the latter, please email me - I have questions.

Changing the behavioral patterns your brain has come to accept as your life forces your brain to face the unknown. To your primal brain, that may as well be a death threat. This is why your brain will fight you every step of the way even as you change for the better. Don't let the term "art" throw you off about this war. The Resistance battles all forms of change, creativity, accomplishment and enlightenment. 

Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul, the more resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.
— Steven Pressfield

I'm not here to explain Pressfield's whole book to you, though I'd like to. You should read it, even if you don't consider what you do with your time "art." What I intend to share today is my recent experience with The Resistance and the reminder it gave me. I face each new day with The Resistance on my mind and have several daily practices (see previous post) in place to keep me out in front of it. Being alert to your enemy's presence doesn't prevent attack it turns out.

The Resistance came for me hard this weekend. I knew instantly it's presence, yet I lost the battle for two full days of junk food (drugs), TV (drugs), drugs (drugs) and work scheduled too tightly (drugs). I gave in Saturday and despite having no intention to veer off course on Sunday, The Superbowl was a wonderful distraction. Even on this Monday as I write, everything in me says "STOP!" It feels as though there are brake pads grinding against my joints, attempting to halt all forward momentum. But to digress for a third day is absolutely out of the question. This is the reminder the weekend's defeat illustrates - one day is a slip up, two days is a problem, three days becomes a lifestyle. 

Whatever your pursuit, falling off the wagon happens. You must be skilled in hopping back on. Sometimes you give yourself a day. Sometimes things get ugly for two. Never let that third day happen. New Year's resolutions die on that third day (approximately January 18th). Lifelong habits start on that third day. In my story, there came a third day when I stopped booking shows for my last band, now six years later I use my brand new band The Belief Cycle to fight The Resistance. Day after day, until the end of my time. Good luck in your fight, hope this helps. 



7 Things I've Done Everyday in 2017 That Are Changing My Life

The following is a list of things I've done everyday thus far in 2017 to reach a lifetime peak of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. Hopefully you don't need as wide a set of rituals to stay centered as I do and any of these practices alone or in combination will improve your life - IF you commit to doing it/them everyday without fail. I can't stress enough that the daily commitment offers at least 10X the results that dabbling will. Some of these have almost zero effectiveness if done without daily commitment. Here we go, in no particular order.

1. Exercise - There are so many ways to do this and as little as 15 minutes a day can make a huge difference. If you're not sure what to do, YouTube is your friend. You can find guided workouts of any length with or without weights for free on YouTube. I recommend kettlebells to anyone, from someone looking for basic fitness to someone with intention to get pumped. If you're a beginner, grab a 20 pound kettlebell from Target or order online and search "10 minute kettlebell workout" on YouTube to start your daily journey.

2. Walk - This could be your form of exercise or in addition to other training. I give it a list item of its own because it transcends exercise purposes. Getting fresh air, being amongst nature or your neighbors should be a part of anyone's day. If only for 10 minutes. To extend the length of my walks I spend part of the time taking in the environment and the rest as some combination of listening to music, phone calls, text messages, emails and reading. Yes, I've developed a strange practice of reading while walking. BE CAREFUL. I can't recommend the read/walk unless you can simultaneously stay aware of your surroundings and do it in a familiar, low traffic area. I walk rain or shine, any season for as long as 3 hours.

3. Read - As mentioned above, reading is essential to me. At least an hour per day. I'm almost exclusively nonfiction but I think any type of reading will do as it challenges you in some way, making your mind work. Bundle this with walking, train rides, treadmills, flights, whenever and wherever you can. I also read daily a growing document where I have collected important quotes, sayings, ideas and memories that I want to be reminded of daily. I have typed out in detail memories that make me feel how I want to feel everyday and I take a few minutes while reading my document to read them and (3b.) Visualize them in my head. I recall the moment as vividly as possible with as many of my senses as possible, more than just sight. I've shared a draft of this in an earlier blog post with my personal information taken out. I will eventually create a template for you to create your own, but you should check out this early version.

4. Meditate - If you get stuck on the airy fairy term that is "meditation," let me put it for you in more relatable terms. When you take time to be quiet and alone with your thoughts, you're exercising your calm muscles. As your calm muscles become stronger, you become less reactive in potentially stressful situations. The deeper your practice grows the less often you'll feel the rising of your heartbeat, the heat in your face, the tension in your neck when unfavorable moments meet your day and you'll be able to take some extra moments to react in a more favorable manner. If you have no idea where to start, check out Headspace app on your phone to get started with 10 minutes a day.

5. Write - I freewrite in a journal at the start of each day and also answer some prompts such as "What are 3 things to be grateful for today?" There are so many ways to go about this. My freewriting portion is simply jotting whatever is on my mind for a page or so and the prompts I answer are from The Five Minute Journal.

6. Practice - This slot varies by whatever your passion or field of expertise is. I'm committed to growth as a songwriter, so I find it imperative that I write a song idea everyday. A basic instrumental with a verse or hook worth of vocals, sometimes something that I must take the time to flesh out into a full song right away. Some days the ideas are garbage, most days they're whatever, and somedays they're my best work and something I will record and perform on stage. Take time daily to hone your craft and remove results-based thinking and judgement. Create whatever is on your mind and if it sucks, you don't have to release it. You're just one repetition closer to your next great creation you want to share with the world.

7. Sleep - If these were in order of importance, this would be the undisputed #1 slot. 7-10 hours of sleep is hands down the biggest factor I've found in my life for wellness and there's science to back it up. It's so important that I've scheduled my days so I can wake up without an alarm. I allow my body as much sleep as it likes. The effects on mood, clarity, fitness, appearance, productivity and more are dramatic.

Whole wellness is my #1 focus in life currently, nothing outranks this to-do list. I don't think I'll always be able to allot so much time to these (they currently take 60% of my time, including sleep) but doing the full-length versions for awhile is essential. Just as I learned to control my weight by obsessively counting calories, taking measurements and weighing myself for a period of months to grow an internalized knowledge. Now I do none of those things, maintaining my weight is second nature and leaning out or bulking up are easy adjustments if I want to make a visual change. This is the status I hope to achieve in time with my wellness rituals.

I hope you can adopt something from this list to make your days better.



Make Room

Accept that by disconnecting from that which doesn’t inspire you will make room for that which does.

It’s easy to fall into scarcity. Our culture promotes it. Our friends and families reenforce it. The idea that we should be thankful for what we have (we should) and hold onto all of it (maybe we shouldn’t). Whether it be physical belongings, relationships, or habits, we must clear space from the unimportant to make more room for the important. Even when the important isn’t currently clear. Knowing what belongings, relationships and habits aren’t important puts us further on the path to opening up what is important.

This process can be liberating. It can be painful. It can be clumsy. 

It can be all of the above. 

Leave behind scarcity thinking and embrace abundance. There’s enough to go around. You’re not in this life fighting for your finite love and resources. The opportunities for more, for new are abundant. Make room for them, become the you that already has them and prepare for them to enter your life. 



I hated that guy.

I recently uncovered this video of an old band of mine (face-palmingly titled Drew Mantia Band) from December 11th, 2009 looking for cheesy #TBT material. What I found here wasn't cheesy to me. I actually quite dig it. I've rewatched it a few times and I found it interesting where it sent me.

I found myself thinking "we sound good!" "My vocals don't sound that bad." "Hey that duel guitar sounds nice!." "I kinda like my guitar tone here."

How is there anything profound about those statements? For me there is. Hindsight helped me identify a shift in mindset. Here's where my mind was at the time:

I hated that guy.

The me you see in that video, I despised him. Is he that different from the me now? Yes but fundamentally no. I'm the same person but with a greatly improved perspective. I was unable to enjoy anything about myself or what I did. I thought my vocals were terrible. They needed a lot of work and are still one my biggest vulnerabilities, but it was listenable back then. I thought my guitar playing was garbage and my guitar tone was weak. I played the same guitar and same amp the other day and liked what I heard. I like what I hear now in the video. 

The band you see in the above video, in my opinion, had the talent and sometimes the momentum to make an impact. We could've stuck it out, gotten better, gotten smarter. Why couldn't we? Because I couldn't. Why couldn't I? Reason No. 1 is self-hatred. Lack of confidence would've been an improvement. I hated myself so much that I lost respect for people that liked me because, why would they like me? That showed error in judgement in my mind. I wanted to die sometimes but was just too much of a scared pussy to die.

It's a story for another day how I turned it around. If you ever feel this way about yourself, know you're not alone. Also know, without beating yourself up, that loving yourself is important and should become priority number one in your life. Everything depends on it.





Fear, my captive.

When my stomach is hungry.

When my muscles are tired.

When my heart is heavy.

This is when I'm most at peace.

This is when I know I'm taking the big risks, exposing my soul to destruction, facing my fears, living outside of my comfort zone. This is what it takes to become my best self.

That makes me fulfilled. That brings me peace. That makes me happy.

I wasn't always this way. While I've been able to scrape together a living off of my music for several years now, a route with a low success rate, I managed to do so with minimal risk. Sure there was financial risk. Always will be. I took minimal risks with my heart and soul to get here. I saved them from full exposure, hiding in plain sight.

A little over a year ago I was deteriorating. My mental, physical and spiritual health were all dive bombing. I had never been so depressed, sick or unsuccessful. I was maintaining my career as a music producer but exactly that - maintaining. No artistic growth that excited me, no growth in clientele or income. I can see now that my best, truest self was inside fighting to be freed. That was the source of my pain.

It gets worse before it gets better.

After losing all confidence I inevitably was broken up with by my girlfriend of 5 years. The closest relationship I've had to another human. This also meant an impending change to my living situation. Bad luck intervened and a few days later the studio I had worked for my first 4 years in Chicago was shut down. I hit my lowest point. So low that I could recognize there was nowhere to go but up. I woke up early the next morning and my rebirth began. I set out to erase everything about my life and start fresh.

I became awakened to many truths, the one most relevant to this moment being there is no avoiding fear. I had been forced to face some of my biggest fears and here I still stand. I set out to face more of them.

Some fears vanish when you look them in the face. Some fears stare you right back. Both should be addressed constantly but my little prose at the top of this post addresses the latter. The fears that can't be squashed, the ones that can only be tolerated. 

I've always lived with my fears. But they no longer captivate me. I am their captor. 

While pulling their weight is taxing and their mind games are tough to listen to, I steer our course. My fears begrudgingly shuffle their feet behind me, shackled, as I lead them on this journey forcing them to witness me build everything they wish to destroy.




A Brief Absence: TBC's first show

Inside my brief six year absence from performing I began to think I was afraid of what people would think or, probably more accurately, worried that they'd have no thoughts whatsoever about me. In the hours approaching my first performance as The Belief Cycle, I found myself not worried at all at what people would think. I actually believed people were going to enjoy the performance even if it didn't meet my own unattainable standard. I realized all this time I wasn't worried about others' minds, I was worried about my own. Facing my fears and having to live with the inner enemy that wants me to quit and tried to sabotage this performance at every step.

He's not too opposed to me doing things that I already know. He gets pretty militant about pushing the boundaries. The "War of Art" is a fantastic book in which the author names this inner enemy and all forces that work against the completion of your dreams. . .

The Resistance.

The more you love your art/calling/enterprise, the more important its accomplishment is to the evolution of your soul, the more you will fear it and the more Resistance you will experience facing it.
— Steven Pressfield

One battle against the Resistance down. War follows. . .